Do you ever see a photo that sums up the way you are feeling just perfectly? This one does it for me. I love the ocean. The light sparkling on the water and the sand beneath my feet, waves crashing, all make me feel alive, peaceful, and grateful. But that same ocean, when viewed on a stormy day is another thing altogether. I feel small and insignificant and vulnerable. Suddenly the life that exists below the surface which at another time might be interesting and delightful becomes disconcerting and scary, dark and unknown. The beach becomes a place where I feel very unsettled and fearful, afraid of what the storm that lurks may bring.
This life that I love and live has been flip flopping a lot for me lately. One day, it is the sunny beach where everything seems possible and the next day (or sometimes even the same day), it becomes the stormy sea where everything seems so impossible. I feel so incredibly inadequate and wonder if I can keep my head above water. I feel fragile, yet I know that I possess inner strength. I feel alone and yet, I know that I am never alone as I have my family and my heavenly Father with me. I feel scared of the unknown, yet exhiliarated by the possibilities that exist in the unknown. Maybe this is what it is to really experience life, I'm not sure. I've had bouts with mild depression, but it doesn't really feel like that...it isn't quite that hopeless and sad. It's more scary, but in a reflective way if that makes any sense. Maybe it's my age. Maybe its menopause (highly likely). Whatever it is, I am sure, this too, shall pass, but for now, I'm going to try to see what I'm supposed to be seeing. I know that God has ways of showing us what we need to look at if only we open our eyes. I'm going to try to conquer my fear and open my eyes to really see.
You know I lurk your blogs a lot, many times not commenting, just reading and pondering. You gals (and a few guys) are a great community and a great support group. I am not always the best at communicating it to you, especially when I feel a bit overwhelmed, but know that I appreciate you putting yourselves out here in Blogland and I feel your love and light, even though I've never met most of you. I'll be back with more light fare one of these days, but for now, thanks for letting me get out of my comfort zone and take an uncharacteristic swim in the deep end of the pool. It's where I am right now.
Until next time,